Chronicles of Horny
by Akria62
Summary: Horny has plans to invade the Overworld but the machinations of diabolical Keepers and an ancient force of Good are afoot.
1. Chapter 1

The Chronicles of Horny

Based on an idea I had while playing Dungeon Keeper II and watching the Dungeon Keeper III trailer (alas that it will now never be completed!), this tracks the progress of Horny's (aka the Horned Reaper) quest to invade the Overworld. It's written as Horny's view in the events to follow (though a few scenes will be written from a different viewpoint). It is written using the creatures from both Dungeon Keeper I and Dungeon Keeper II (though were the creatures to overlap, such as the Mistress from DK I and the Mistress from DK II, the Mistress from DK II is shown).

Disclaimer: None of the characters in this story (excluding the various Keepers) are mine. Horny, the creatures of the Underworld (from both DK I and DK II) and the various Good Heroes (excluding the General Tanus Re) belong to the now-extinct Bullfrog Productions, the chief of which was Peter Molyneux who now works in Lionhead Studios.

Chapter I: Beginnings

"So we are agreed?" I rumbled, making my contempt for this weak creature clear.

"Of course, oh lord Reaper. Mine invincible armies do even now stand, ready to march to victorious battle at a moment's notice," he oiled, bowing, his somewhat greasy hair momentarily lifting from the floor. He was lying, of course. But then again, he couldn't know that I had already seen his so-called 'armies', though the ragtag group of Goblins and Flies he'd assembled stretched the term a little.

"Very well, Tranos. I will allow thee one month to build up thy armies. Once that month is ended, we shall confer in more detail."

"Thank you, lord Reaper. And – my reward? Will I receive that on the same day?" he asked me, his somewhat ugly eyes lighting up in greed.

I sighed, somewhat theatrically, I'll admit. Though the sheer greed of these Keepers was undoubtedly evil, it did tend to get on one's nerves after a while.

"Yes, Tranos. Then thou shalt get thy reward."

"Thank you, oh lord Reaper. I shall never forget your generosity."

"No. You won't," I replied, grinning to myself. Whether he knew or not, that was precisely what I intended…

A thousand and one leagues hence, in the long-forgotten Temple of Hu, an ancient force stirred in its ages long sleep. In its myriad dreams, a thousand legions marched to war, declaring for one side or another. Billions upon billions of Men, Elves, Goblins and Dragons battled. Tooth and claw met sword and arrow, and the air was filled with the screams of the dying, the spurting blood of just slain foes, the smell of sweat and the taste of blood. The force looked down at its hands, which held a great sword at least six feet long. It glanced up, and saw the approaching enemy horde. _So this…_ _this was what it was like! The feeling of battle, all the emotions and blood and death! It was exhilarating! All these years, and now it remembered… The feeling of life, and how death, the enemy's death, intensified the feeling until it threatened to overwhelm you! Truly, this was the meaning of life…_

In my throne room, I deliberated on the knowledge I had gained. All but one of these self-appointed 'Keepers' had lied to me about their power, each one exaggerating the size of their army. All but one…

The one was Keeper Ire-Tyan, ruler of what had once been Skybird Trill. He was plain-spoken and honest, and not once did he bring up the subject of a reward for his labours. As a matter of fact, I rather liked his refreshing style of talking to me…

"Keeper Ire-Tyan enters the presence of his imperial majesty, Lord Horny, master of the Underworld," my retainers had droned the official courtesies, clearly bored. I made up my mind to decapitate one of them later, when we were alone, so that their resolve should be stiffened. At that moment, however, Ire-Tyan had done something to drive that thought from my mind.

"Do you really need that, your majesty?" he enquired, both interrupting the retainers and cutting through half an hour of tedious flattery.

"Not really, lord Ire-Tyan, but it _does _tend to impress the tourists," I replied, grinning despite myself. His natural mirth was infectious, and though I made a minor note to pass a new law – automatic execution, preferably in boiling oil, for all who smiled or laughed in the Underworld – I was intrigued enough to allow him both to continue his meeting with me… _and _to continue living.

"Well, your Hornyness, I daresay it does, but it does rather get on your nerves after a while, doesn't it?" he smiled, ignoring the shocked gasps and spluttering coming from my retainers.

To be honest, his rather cheeky friendliness (that 'your Hornyness' comes to mind) actually caused me to like him even more. As I realised this, I became increasingly confused at myself. To cover my embarrassment, I began the meeting properly.

"How large are your forces, lord Ire-Tyan?"

I already knew, of course, but I wanted to see whether he was another liar.

"Your Hornyness, they are ten times those of the other Keepers, even where they to unite as one. You see, war _is _a terribly volatile thing, and I judged it prudent to only go to war if I had a large army. Valour, courage, a willingness to die for your lord and an indomitable spirit are fine things, but take second place, after all to valour, courage, a willingness to die, an indomitable spirit _and _a six to one superiority in numbers," he replied, this time keeping his head _slightly _bowed, but still up enough to get a good view of my face.

"Well put, my lord! Very well put indeed! I shall remember that one. Oh, and I must commend you on your honesty. Do you know, not a single Keeper this morning has told the truth about their army, and yet you! You did!" I cried out laughing, feeling even more confused and embarrassed but unable to stop.

Ire-Tyan looked shocked.

"You mean you checked the armies of each Keeper, your Hornyness? Why, how very… devious, distrustful… how very evil! I shall have to watch out for you, your Hornyness. You have more than one trick up your sleeve!" he replied, at first in mock horror, but beginning to laugh towards the end of the sentence. We ended up laughing together for several minutes, before he finally saluted with almost parodic efficiency (an act which left me in tears of laughter) and marched out, trying to keep a straight face.

But, despite his impudent manner, I rather liked the young Keeper. He was handsome, certainly, with a noble bearing, but his style of speaking was hilarious!

And yet, somehow, he worried me. His very presence that morning had caused me to be confused, embarrassed and squirming with laughter, things that had not previously occurred. He seemed dangerous to me somehow, and I knew that in the long run he would be more trouble than he was worth…

His army was indeed as large as he said, however, and while before he had come I rather doubted whether the ragtag forces the other Keepers had assembled could have conquered the Overworld, Ire-Tyan's manner and army dispelled those doubts. Here was a Keeper who would be a valuable ally…

And if he failed as an ally, he would have made a very fetching corpse to overhang my throne…

The End of Chapter I

Well? Did you like it? Tell me in a review or I'll send Horny to hunt you down!


	2. Chapter 2

The Chronicles of Horny

See first chapter for disclaimer.

Chapter II: Wisdom

Several months had passed since Ire-Tyan had met with me, and I was suffering from minor anxiety. You see, he had disappeared.

Although he had worried me when last he visited, he was still the only thing approaching a competent Keeper in the entirety of the Underworld; his army, too, was numerous and each individual was well-trained (inasmuch as you can say that of a typical Goblin... or Bile Demon, for that matter).

He had in fact become key in my plans for the conquest of the Overworld, and without him those plans would certainly fail. I could have waited longer, of course, but after having spent ten thousand years locked away in the Underworld - curse that fateful battle! - I was beginning to become quite impatient, you might say.

In fact, so impatient that I had spent the previous two weeks with no retainers, having had them all roasted and devoured by some of my luckier minions in a fit of rage when my efforts to locate Ire-Tyan had failed for the third time.

Random acts of undirected violence are _so_ refreshing, don't you agree?

It was fast approaching a fourth month without any sign of the missing Keeper when, finally, the man himself appeared again, waiting in my throne room as I returned from a quick razing - well, not that quick; I had spent three days alone slowly crushing the skulls of the dead in front of the soon-not-to-be-survivors - with my retinue of Vampires.

It was just as well that the calming screams of all those children were still going through my mind, or he would have been vampire-food before he'd even said 'hello'.

"Where in the Underworld have you been? I've had three hundred miserable Flies and a battallion of Trolls searching for you for over a month now!"

My words caused a change in him; a quick transition from his usual collected pose to panic. Obviously my anger was not under as much control as I'd thought, but then my attitude had not been improved when several of the Trolls had asked for directions to their own encampment. That memory still hits a nerve even now.

"Forgive me, your Hornyness, but I assure you I was not absent without good reason."

"It had better be a bloody good reason, or else you'll have the duty torturess to report to within the hour, and we shall see if those claws she has have a use after all!"

"Your Hornyness, forgive me! I was caught up in matters of the utmost importance! I -"

"Quickly, Ire-Tyan!"

"Treason, my Lord! There has been treason in your ranks! I was hunting down the traitor myself!"

"You snivelling worm, why should I believe you? How do I know you're not simply making up excuses to save your stinking human skin?"

I was shouting at that point.

"Because of this, your Hornyness..."

Whereupon he reached down to a box at his side, a box I had not noticed before, and before I could react pulled out the head of Keeper Tranos, one of the most venal and gluttonous cowards I had ever had the misfortune to meet. Tranos was the sort who gave a bad name to evil.

I gaped, momentarily stunned into silence. Ire-Tyan took the opportunity.

"Your Hornyness, I have in my pocket several documents signed by Tranos himself, admitting to participation in a conspiracy with several other Keepers to ally with the hero scum and turn on yourself in battle at the critical moment. There were several witnesses to the confession and I felt that, with such an admission of guilt, it would be acceptable to ignore the usual custom and simply execute him there and then."

I was still stunned. Such treachery on the part of this Keeper? Treachery against me? Me, the feared Lord of the Underworld, the tightness of whose iron grip was matched only by the fury of his revenge?

Was it possible that someone could possibly have enough resolve to betray me? I had thought not, and so this news was like a dagger in the heart, a major blow to my previously invincible ego which had thought me to be in total control.

"Bring in the witnesses. I want confirmation of this, Ire-Tyan, before I take any definitive action."

I struggled, but stiffened my resolve and managed to get the words out with no sign of weakness in my voice. It would not do to show weakness now...

_How glorious indeed is battle, and how thrilling an experience to kill! To watch the life-blood drain from a slaughtered foe, to see the light fade from their eyes... to kill and not to be killed, so beautiful! _

The force swam through the sea of death, sword swinging gracefully, adding bodies by the moment to the ocean around it. Pausing only to untangle the sword from someone's ribcage, it moved swiftly, bringing eternal rest to all who stood in its way, until finally they cowered and fled from it.

Laughing, it pursued them deeper into the enemy lines, running as quickly as it could... until it stopped, seeing the figure before it.

_At last. An equal._ It gripped the sword more firmly, and began to circle...

The witnesses hastily brought in, I was displeased to see that they were thick-witted Trolls, three in all. I said as much, too.

"Your Hornyness, they were all that was nearby at the time. They are also well suited to this task, too stupid as they are to lie."

He had a point.

"Very well. You, there, on the left; did you indeed witness the confession by Tranos?"

I waited a few moments while they debated over which was their left, before someone pointed out to them that their left differed from mine.

A few moments more as they debated which was _my_ left.

A few moments as they finally settled the argument, having decided that it was in fact that particular side which happened in reality to be my right.

And a final few moments as I lost my temper, strode over to them, banged their heads together and gave them a short lecture on how they were the best argument in favour of genocide I had ever seen, before pointing out my actual left to them and sitting down again.

The Troll on my left stepped forward slightly and cleared his throat. I leaned forward, anxious to hear his answer.

"Um... da question, it can be rep... rep... said again?"

I was told later that my cry of anger was heard in the dungeon of Kriep, seven leagues away.

Several minutes afterwards, the now bruised and battered Troll actually answered me.

"Yeah, big boss man sir. Tranos, he made der confess shun thing. And he said he dunnit, too."

It was just as well for the Troll that I expected him to be stupid, or else he would have been dead within seconds of that work of genius that he probably thought of as a 'sen tunce, yeah, and a group of wurd what make since'.

I _did_ take the opportunity to give him an impromptu lesson on the language, though. The study of language is one of my lesser-known hobbies.

Ire-Tyan interrupted my lecture just as I had finished explaining the relationship between the subject and the predicate.

"Are you satisfied then, your Hornyness? I know you have only questioned the one, but - "

"Not just yet, Ire-Tyan; I have questions of the others as well - "

A cry went out as all three Trolls suddenly sprouted arrows; I grabbed my scythe and leapt to the room's edge, cutting down three archers and throwing a fireball at another. Then my Vampires leapt upon the others, tearing at them, ripping out their throats and feasting on the blood. It was over within seconds, but by then my witnesses had already died, turned as they were into pincushions.

Breathing heavily, I looked up at Ire-Tyan from my decapitation of an archer's corpse.

"Newly proclaimed Inquisitor Ire-Tyan, purge the land of traitors. All of them. Every last stinking one. _No-one challenges me and lives._"

Thus concludes Chapter Two.


End file.
